


Beautiful Broken Boy

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dissociation, F/M, Gryffindor Common Room, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Panic Attacks, Sirius Black Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 08:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20355751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: “Sirius? Sirius can you hear me?”Remus watched amazed as Lily’s voice was calm and soft as she helped Sirius gently sit down on the couch, his eyes sort of glossed over as he gazed at her, not really seeing her. Remus wasn’t sure what had been the cause of Sirius’ dissociative episode, only knowing that when he walked into the common room after his study session in the library, Sirius was standing on the staircase leading up to the boys’ dormitory, zoned out and scratching at his arms earnestly.





	Beautiful Broken Boy

**Author's Note:**

> TW: panic attacks, dissociative episodes, self-harm, implied/referenced child abuse  
please take care of yourselves

“Sirius? Sirius can you hear me?”

Remus watched amazed as Lily’s voice was calm and soft as she helped Sirius gently sit down on the couch, his eyes sort of glossed over as he gazed at her, not really seeing her. Remus wasn’t sure what had been the cause of Sirius’ dissociative episode, only knowing that when he walked into the common room after his study session in the library, Sirius was standing on the staircase leading up to the boys’ dormitory, zoned out and scratching at his arms earnestly.

He wasn’t sure what to do, but luckily Lily was close by and he called to her for help as he took Sirius’ hands in his own to stop him from clawing at himself. Now, he watched as Lily attempted to bring Sirius back into reality with small conversation.

“I’m going to go get James, okay? Just sit right here with Remus. I’ll be back in a few minutes with James.” Lily promised, motioning for Remus to take her place in kneeling in front of Sirius. He quickly complied, placing his hands in on his boyfriends knees and rubbing gentle circles in them. Sirius looked as if he was staring right through the floor, seeing nothing. It was quite disturbing to see considering Remus had only ever witnessed one of Sirius’ episodes one other time. Usually, it was James who would handle it since he had practically become an expert on Sirius’ mental state when he had ran away to the Potters over the summer; so Remus felt quite out of his depth.

“Oh, Pads, please don’t scratch your arms. You’ll hurt yourself.” Remus said quietly as he noticed Sirius’ hands come up to draw great white lines across his forearms that turned an angry shade of red immediately after. He took Sirius’ hands in his own and rubbed the back of them gently, hoping to soothe his boyfriend.

Most everyone else who was in the common room had made themselves scarce, giving Sirius the privacy he needed and to avoid embarrassing him once he came back to himself. Remus was quite grateful that he didn’t have to tell anyone to go and that they were all vaguely aware that Sirius just sometimes did this and it was best to leave him with his friends.

Just then, Lily returned to the common room with James close on her heels. Remus moved quickly, allowing James to take his place as he began talking Sirius down.

“Hey, Pads. I brought you some ice, okay? I’m going to just put it in your hand for a second, you can rub it on your wrist whenever you’re ready.” James gently opened Sirius’ left hand and placed an ice cube in his palm. Remus watched as Sirius twitched slightly at the sensation and then began running the cube across his wrist.

“Tell me what color nail polish Lily is wearing today, Pads. Can you do that for me?”

Sirius looked up slightly and blinked at Lily’s stretched out hand. He kept blinking, as if he was trying to focus before finally muttering out an answer.

“…Yellow.”

James grinned brightly at his friend, as if he had just said the most brilliant thing in the world.

“Yes! Good job, Padfoot. Can you tell me what color Remus’ jumper is now?” Sirius’ gaze slowly turned to Remus and he stared at him for a long moment before gasping an answer.

“Green. Dark…green.” A sob escaped Sirius’ throat as he spoke and he dropped the ice cube to the floor, bringing his hands up to cover his eyes as he began weeping. James immediately wrapped his arms around Sirius’ shoulders while whispering soothing things into his best friends ear.

Lily let out a sigh of relief next to Remus, happy that Sirius was back in his body, though her face still held a look of concern.

“The ice helps because it’s something he can feel. Control, sort of. That’s how James explained it.” Lily said softly to Remus. “The colors help, too. Help his mind come back to his surroundings.”

Remus nodded, his eyes still locked on the way James was talking in Sirius’ ear as his boyfriends shoulders shook with sobs.

“What caused him to dissociate so quickly?” Lily whispered.

“I’m not sure. I just walked in through the portrait hole and he was just…standing there. I didn’t know what to do.”

Sirius had all sorts of triggers, big and small that would take his mind back to the more unpleasant days of his youth, with the same catastrophic results if not dealt with right away. However, Remus wasn’t sure what the trigger was this time. Perhaps some of his relatives made a nasty remark? Maybe something dropped loudly in the common room, freezing Sirius in his steps? Whatever it was, Remus wish he knew some way to help.

As James let go of Sirius, Remus noticed that some of the lines on his boyfriends wrist were lined with little drops of blood, meaning that his nails had broken skin. He took out his wand and went to heal them but James stopped him before he could.

“No magic. Not when he’s like this.”

Remus furrowed his eyebrows in confusion before understanding hit him. Sirius had grown up with enough wands pointed in his direction that always resulted in some kind of pain and suffering. The last thing he needed was to fall back into his catatonic state because Remus didn’t think about that sort of thing.

“Do you have some bandages?” James asked. Remus nodded. Being a werewolf, Remus was quite prone to scars and bleeding, and so he kept a small first aid box under his bed for the times he needed to wrap himself up. He fetched the box quickly and returned to kneel in front of Sirius, gently rolling the thin, white bandages on his hurt wrists.

“Moony, Moony, Moony….” Sirius mumbled, his gray eyes finally seeing his boyfriend.

“Padfoot, Padfoot, Padfoot….” Remus said back softly. Once he was finished catering to Sirius wounds, he planted a soft kiss on each wrist and offered Sirius a smile as he brought his head back up.

“Are you okay?”

Sirius smiled tiredly and nodded, his eyes red rimmed and fluttering softly.

“Yeah…yeah I’m okay.”

“We’re going to leave you guys alone. Come for me if you need anything.” James said, giving Sirius one last pat on the back and giving him a look that only the two of them could interpret. A look only two brothers would understand.

Remus turned back to Sirius after James and Lily had left and offered his hand.

“Would you like to go to bed?”

Sirius just nodded and Remus lead him up the stairs and into their dorm room. They both laid down on Remus’ bed and Remus wrapped his arms around his boyfriend as Sirius nuzzled into his chest. They didn’t speak for awhile. Instead, they just enjoyed one another’s company. Sirius was usually quiet after having an episode, and Remus had learned that he would talk about it whenever he was ready.

For now, he would just hold him, and try to put the beautiful, broken boy in his arms back together.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading   
comments and kudos are always appreciated   
follow me on tumblr @xomarauders


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